Monthly Archives: January 2014

A cautionary tale

A couple of months ago I started a new job with a small business:  they help lower the trash footprint and are saving the planet by offering compost and recycling to apartment communities.

Translation: I’m touching, moving, and jumping on trash. 90% of my job is some sort of manual labor… and dealing with dog shit.

I don’t want to talk about it.

Whenever I have to start a new routine, I always sacrifice my workouts. I know it’s not the best thing to eliminate, but it’s what my body thinks it needs to adjust to a different schedule. 

My job also requires a lot of time in the car, so a majority of my meals have started with the syllable Mc. Because my job is so labor intensive, I have lost a few pounds despite my lack of nutrition. As “too good to be true” as it sounds… it is. Last Wednesday I had all three meals on the road and felt horrible.

Both mentally and physically. 

This has happened to me once before:

let’s travel back six years to Ft. Leonard Wood Missouri. 

It was the summer of 2007 and I was a little PFC (Private First Class) in Basic Training. It was the week of July fourth and a solid six weeks of the government molding me into a “hardcore” soldier. July 4th was a special day because there was going to be a celebration on post for our country’s independence. Usually privates in Basic are not allowed to attend such events, but due to our  “low stress cycle” (yes, there is such a thing), everyone in my Battalion got to enjoy a day of festivities.

Booths with frozen Snickers, pizza, soda, and cookie collections, were going to be scattered amongst the baseball field of Ft. Leonard Wood. The moment I learned we were attending this event, I had decided I would have a “Fat Girl Day.” I bragged about it to my fellow battle buddies (other privates in Basic Training) and couldn’t wait to get as much greasy, sugary, fattening food as I could inside of me.

Another private nicknamed Barbie caught wise to my plan. 

Barbie got her name on day zero of Basic. Day zero is the time between being assigned to a Battalion, and the first day of training. I was assigned to a Battalion May 30th, but didn’t start training until June 1st. So I was lucky enough to have two day zeros (the 30th and 31st).

Barbie wore her ACU uniform (the pixel-like one completely impractical for combat, and no longer used), with a messy -yet fashionable- bun. True all female soldiers have to wear a bun, but Barbie’s “after sex” look was somehow considered inappropriate while in uniform.

Because of this, the Drill Sergeants called her Barbie; they also called her to the front leaning-rest position (push-up position). Hell, even when getting reprimanded, the girl’s hair did look good.

Mind you, Barbie and I didn’t really talk. We never even hung out. But our nations independence can really bring people together. And sure enough, Barbie and I finally spoke, and made a pact to have a “Fat Girl Day”. 

Even though we didn’t know one-another, we kept our promise to each other. 

That day, it didn’t matter if I was full, or ate so many slices of pizza I felt disgusted at the sight of anything edible. I made sure to keep my promise to Barbie, and Barbie’s to me. Keep in mind, six weeks prior to this moment, we were on a strict three-meal a day regiment.

I have to tell you my friends, I now know why Gluttony is one of the seven-deadly sins.

The day after the Fourth of July celebration (July 5th to be exact), I felt as if I had a night of heavy drinking. My stomach hated me, I was lethargic, and felt weak from head to toe. 

Later that day Barbie walked up to me with a slight grimace and said, “Fat Girl Day was a terrible idea.” And she was right; “Fat Girl Day” was an awful idea, and I made this innocent soul do it with me. 

The point of this tangent is, eating fast food on the road is a lot like “Fat Girl Day”. At the time it’s a good idea, but by the end of the day, I feel weak, and share symptoms similar to a hangover.

Even though I don’t necessarily have to watch what I’m eating because of my labor intensive job, I’ve learned I cannot completely disregard all nutrition. 

Let this be a cautionary tale for you all.


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I am determined to look good in Yoga pants

The big perk of avoiding the gym after the new year, and working out at home, is not having to worry about the inevitable camel toe. 

I literally have gone to the gym twice in two weeks. For those of you quick with math: yes; that’s an average of once per week.

24 Hour Fitness is already a packed gym, especially the one near my hometown. And if I opt to go to the one near my work, then I risk being surrounded by a lot of guys with spiky hair. I’m not saying spiky hair is a bad thing. I’m just saying it’s a bit douchebaggy.

My new plan for the new year is to find workouts online and do them at home. I can then save the whopping 25 dollars a month I spend on the gym. This can now go to my tattoo fund I’ve been trying to work on for the past five years. (My new years resolution should probably be related to managing money better.)

Below is a screenshot of a workout my cousin posted on facebook:



Being the half-ass achiever that I am, I of course did this the minimum amount of times required. 

It still took me 45 minutes.

I don’t have a step, so I opted to do 30 sit-ups with a 10 pound medicine ball in place of the 30 step ups. I also replaced the burpees with my beloved bomb-diver push ups (check out my prior post for technique). If you really want to add danger to this workout, I recommend having a seven-pound house cat with you in the room trying to attack you when lying on the floor or in push up position. 

After the first set, I took the duration of the song “Inside Out” by Eve 6 to stretch. This is a good strategy to avoid injury, as well as, the insanity you risk for committing to such a routine.

If you are a beginner, I would recommend cutting the reps in half, if not to a quarter. According to my Sergeant in physical therapy school, I have thunder thighs, so a workout like this should be easy for someone like me. Which it wasn’t, and my thunder thighs feel more like a kittens meow. 

They’re weak. Yeah I agree, that was a terrible attempt at an analogy. 

If you have any recommended at-home workouts, please let me know. I need to continue to save up for at least a tattoo cover up. That I will explain later.

Until next time friends!


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To give and take

I regularly get brazilian waxes.

I figured I would just say it instead of beating around the bush. (get it?!)

I go every month to a wonderful waxist (don’t know if that is how I should refer to her). Either way, I’m very loyal to Amy. She has arms covered with original artwork, wears hip up-dos, and is spunkier than I. 

Amy’s average work day consist of 16 brazilian waxes. That’s a lot of half naked women Amy sees.

For those of you who have never experienced a brazilian wax, you start off lying on your back and end lying on your stomach. From the waist down, there are no secrets from Amy. 

When the torture was finally over, I put my pants back on (I didn’t realize how awkward painting this picture would be when I started this post), and Amy says, “you’re in really good shape.” 

Amy sees about 16 women a day: that’s 16 pairs of legs, 16 lower abdominals, and 16 asses.  Although I would usually argue such a statement, coming from Amy, this was an extremely nice compliment. I hadn’t been working out because of a new job, so I had been feeling pretty flabby. But Amy, wonderful Amy, boost my ego a little bit that day. She didn’t have to say anything, but she did. 

At that moment I realized to appreciate the given compliments. I also need to stop being selfish and actually start complimenting other people. And I don’t mean doing the girl thing where you give a compliment after one was already given to you, but to just tell a random stranger, “nice legs” (I tend to notice legs since mine stopped growing at 5’2”).

Don’t be creepy about it, but next time you see someone you admire, let them know.

Fuck it. Maybe your compliment will be the reason they had a better day, encouraged them to go to the gym later, or brought up their self-esteem slightly. I need to do this more myself, and since it’s a new year, why not start this habit now?

Share with me what someone has said to you lately. Don’t be shy. Be confident, egotistical, proud: it’s ok to be self-involved, especially when you appreciate what others also have. 


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