Tag Archives: divorce

Chubbier Cheeks 

I can’t seem to shed these few pounds I have gained over the last year. My mom says it is because I am happy now. 

Is happiness really worth the slightly tighter jeans and chubbier looking cheeks in photos?

But she is right, I am a lot happier now; that’s partly why I don’t post on this thing like I use to. 

I started this blog as a means to continue writing while I looked for writing gigs; it quickly became a need of affirmation.

I was in a relationship where I didn’t get encouragement with my writing. I was told I had bad grammar and spelling when I asked my ex what he thought of my blog. Although I appreciated the constructive criticism, I really needed to hear “good job”.  This isn’t to say my marriage was bad. Because it wasn’t. It was just lacking this one very important aspect, so I used this blog as metaphorical compensation. 

I want to thank everyone who has taken the time to read this silly thing. Who has shared, liked, and followed it. It filled a slight void I hadn’t realized I was missing. 

I’m still going to write occasionally in this, but I don’t need it like I use to. My confidence in my ability to write isn’t dependent on the views I get. My love for writing really has become a personal endeavor with therapeutic journal entries; with short writing prompts where I can make myself laugh; with nonlinear plot lines. I realize I no longer need an audience to write, and I no longer need to write to escape. 

Much like this blog I’ve evolved, and I’m still evolving. I have so much self discovering to do (not the sexy kind) and so many new experiences ahead. This blog came during a very different time of my life and helped masked some very confusing, sad feelings. 

I’ll make an appearance every now and again on this thing, but only for nostalgic purposes. The girl who started this blog isn’t around anymore. But she helped get me where I am now:

Tighter jeans and happy. 

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2015 – so we finally meet

I began my New Years nauseated while watching a marathon of “Dating Naked”.

So far a productive start to 2015.

I’m not a huge fan of starting new at the beginning of the year. This cultural theme of a “fresh start” or “starting over” can only happen once every 12 months.

But I do understand the romance behind it, and if it’s what someone needs to get motivated, then I completely understand.

I’m guilty of this myself. Yes, this year I made life changes outside of the traditional January 1st time-frame. But I really never took the time of self-reflection, took the time to evaluate my character, my weaknesses, and my accomplishments.

I guess once every 12 months is better than nothing.

My New Years resolution for 2014 was to stay off my phone.

We will just say I’m currently writing this on my phone.
But because my resolution was a failure, doesn’t mean my year was.

Granted it was a tough year. I ended my seven and a half year relationship: lost my husband, my best friend, my home, my dog, and most of my belongings.

Admittedly I still feel an immense amount of guilt in that decision. Even though, in the end, I know it had to be made.

But I won’t let that define my 2014.

In the past seven months, I have had more life experiences than I had in over two years.

I went to a “self-love” workshop (not the sexy kind), reconnected with old friends, finally visited Austin, wrote a script, entered a short story contest, signed up for a dance class (which starts tonight), tried bouldering at the rock gym, finally met my idol, Chuck Palahniuk, and met amazing inspirational people.

I know these may seem small, but they were things I had been talking about trying for years.

I just never started any of them.

The fact is it’s never too late.
And achievements are never too small.

Don’t dwell on not going through with your resolution, because maybe this isn’t the time for that one. Focus on what you have accomplished and remember there isn’t a specific time frame to start anew. It can happen whenever you make it happen.

Whenever you’re ready for it to happen.

During my “self love” workshop, we had one minute to say all positive things about ourselves. Super silly I know, but it’s amazing what having positive thoughts can do for your ego. Below is my little mantra (from what I can remember). It was impromptu, and done within the minute we were given, so it may read offbeat, but it’s what I chose to say about myself.

Take the time to create your own. Say it out loud. Own it. Type it in the comments, say it in the mirror, or create a blog on how fantastic you are.

Because honey, you are your own best critic.

My Little Mantra
“I’m a writer
A comedian
I’m a dancer

I’m a lover
not a fighter
but I’m still a warrior

I’m an explorer
A traveler

I am not a fucking lady
I am no longer domesticated

I’m a daughter
A sister

I’m a little bit weird
But that’s part of my charm

I am fucking Rikki”

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A not so typical post

This is going to be a bit of an out of the ordinary post as I sit at a bar at SFO drinking a wine flight alone.

I have to admit, I do feel silly drinking a flight by myself. Its presentation is big and the flavors within the white wines are even bigger.

I just made myself laugh. I have no idea what I’m talking about.

#douchebag

I’m such a product of my generation that I find it difficult to express myself without emojis or hashtags.

Did I never mention I was a communication major?

So I’m finally going to see Austin. I literally lived 45 minutes away when stationed in San Antonio, but now I’m taking a three hour flight to visit.

I’ve alluded to life changes a lot, but I may as well just say it: I’m going through a divorce.

It was my choice and for some reason people assume it’s been easy since I made that choice.

It’s not. But I’m really good at smiling and avoiding the depths of the conversations revolved around it.

The fact is, I don’t know who I am. And I couldn’t commit myself to someone going through this identity crisis. It wasn’t fair to him.

The reason I’m sharing this is because this blog really has evolved from a workout blog to a declaration of self-love.

Unfortunately, by the end of my marriage, I was becoming someone I didn’t like. And my husband got the collateral damage of my inner struggle.

But now I’m on a mission. It’s not just about “looking good”. But I want to feel good. My mind, body, and soul. And I want to share it with others because what got me (and gets) me through this divorce is knowing I’m not alone. Knowing others have felt the same way, and I’m not a terrible person for making this extremely difficult choice.

The seasons change has been unexpectedly the most difficult, because I just want to go home – to a home that no longer exists.

So that’s why I’m going to Austin finally. It was a place I always wanted to see. I’m tired of making excuses, I’m trying to just do. Say yes to more things. I think this is equally important as a fit body and essential to a healthy lifestyle.

And a happy life.

Just say yes and drop the excuses.

Sometimes I do question if I made the right decision, but in the end I have to find myself and improve myself before I can commit myself.

It may just be a short flight to Austin, but it’s the beginning of self discovery for me.

Love yourself. Not just the cellulite, chub, or whatever imperfections you find in those amazing, one of a kind thighs, but the entirety of you.

Til next time friends!

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